Wednesday, January 17, 2018

No Sense of Humour



“She has no sense of humour.” Have you ever heard someone say that? Or, if you are a woman, you might have had a remark like that directed at you: “Where’s your sense of humour?”
If anyone has ever said that to you, I will bet that a vivid memory of the type of situation that elicited it has sprung into your mind, along with some unpleasant emotions.
It turns out that I have no sense of humour. Here is a story of an experience that reminded me of that fact.
Recently, I was at a meeting of a community organization. I am thrilled to be getting to know my new community, and have been reaching out and meeting people through a number of different venues. Although I am new to these different groups because we have just moved to the area, I have found people to be pleasant and welcoming. It has been interesting and fun making new acquaintances and participating in local activities that in the past I simply did not have time for.
The group of people at this particular meeting included people from diverse work backgrounds. Usually the participation is about one third female and two thirds male, with about half being retired people and the rest still working. However, on this occasion, it happened that I was the only woman present.
As everyone bustled about getting ready to start the meeting, I noticed 'Frank' approaching others in the room and showing them a piece of paper. I wondered whether it might be a recent bit of correspondence, or maybe a community announcement of some sort. Soon enough, Frank came around to my side of the room and showed the piece of paper to the person beside me. Curious, I glanced sideways to see what the notice was about. Frank adjusted the angle of the paper so it was easy for both of us to see.
It was a crude joke about women’s boobs. Frank was grinning, looking for a reaction.
I was stunned. In this time of heightened awareness of sexual harassment and sexual violence, and with all the recent media coverage of entertainment and film industry “big names” being called out for sexual assault, how could anyone think that it was okay to pass around dirty jokes about women’s bodies?
This is not a new situation for me, of course. Being a woman who came of age in the 1960’s and 70’s, I remember that this kind of male behaviour in groups was more the norm than the exception in the past. As I often found myself in mostly male groups (because I was a skier and an active outdoors person, and because I climbed the education and career ladders to a level where women were rare), I learned to grin and bear it much of the time. I didn’t want to be tagged as a troublemaker, a prude, or someone with no sense of humour. I wanted to fit in.
I am also a lifelong feminist. Over time, I developed more confidence and began to speak out about sexist and male bullying behaviour. In one of my career positions, I initiated a sexual violence awareness campaign and led the development of a sexual violence policy in our workplace.
So how did I respond to Frank’s ‘joke’?
I would like to report that I spoke out and said, “Frank, jokes like this make me feel uncomfortable. They are not appropriate at our meetings.” I would like to say that the others in the room (all men) spoke up and supported me. But that is not what happened.
I looked at the piece of paper and said nothing.
Old habits kicked in. There was a tone of suppressed hilarity in the room that evening, and to me the dynamics felt very uncomfortable. I felt voiceless, and like the butt of the joke.
I was really angry, just boiling. I was angry at myself for not speaking out. I was angry about all of the men in the room who said nothing and let Frank get away with this behaviour. And I was angry with all the Franks of the world who feel they have the right to use sexism to put down, humiliate, and exclude others.
I tried to understand why I and the others present had behaved the way we did.
In rationalizing my own behaviour, I can say that I was a new person in this group, the only woman, and possibly the youngest, and therefore in a position of low social influence. I have been socialized throughout my life to know ‘a woman’s place,’ even though I also have fought against sexism throughout my life. As far as sexist jokes go, this particular one was quite mild, even kind of cute. I didn’t want to be seen as making a big deal about something that is trivial compared to the horror of sexual assault that so many women experience. In an uncomfortable social situation, it is easier to remain silent. I didn’t want to embarrass Frank (!!).
As far as the behaviour of the rest of the people in the room went, I wondered why none of the men had the courage to say something. Several of them are professionals for whom this sort of thing certainly would not be tolerated in their workplaces, so they must have known that it was was not appropriate. The chair of the meeting has the designated authority to manage the conduct of people at the meeting, but he said nothing. I speculated that perhaps this kind of sexist joke sharing has been the norm in this group, and if that is the case, perhaps also racist jokes. If so, why would I want to be part of such a group? 
Frank is elderly and is the most long-standing member of the group. Perhaps the other men were afraid to challenge Frank because of his senior status. And then I felt mad at myself all over again for expecting the male members to speak up when I didn't have the courage to do so.
And what about Frank? Is he really so out of touch that he innocently thought the joke was funny and just wanted to share it with us? Perhaps, steeped in a lifetime of white male privilege, he actually believes that women have no place attending such meetings, and that women in their role as wives should simply serve as adjuncts and supports to male-run groups. Perhaps this was his passive-aggressive way of putting me (and all women) in our place.
Days later, I still feel angry about it. I am still trying to decide what to do about it, because being silenced is not an acceptable option. 

It's just a little thing, but if I and the other members of this group lack the courage to deal with the little things, how are we ever going to make progress on the big things like sexual assault, rape culture, the glass ceiling, and the fact that women in Canada today who are working full time only earn 74.2% of what full-time working men earn? I am filled with admiration for women and men who have spoken out as part of the #MeToo movement.
But, too bad that I have no sense of humour.

16 comments:

  1. I have to respond to your posting. I think you hit on all the possiblities of why Frank did what he did. I like the last one the best where he could have been sending the message that women didn't belong.
    Another is that he was socially inept and used this piece of paper as a way in. Nevertheless, it was inappropriate.
    I have to tell you about a time where a group of us was sitting around a campfire at a friend's house. The male of the household started telling jokes about wife heating and people were laughing both women and men. I did speak out and told him that I didn't think violence against women was the slightest bit funny. He stopped, we are still friends and some women came up to me afterwards and said they only laughed because other people were laughing but they agreed with me. I was really glad I said something.

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    1. Fran, thank you for your comment. Good for you for speaking out about the wife beating ‘joke.’ So often other people hearing things like this also are uncomfortable, but feel awkward speaking out. We women are so polite! Often we opt to remain silent rather than risking offending someone (not remembering that the person who said the offensive joke was not worried about offending us).

      The other thing that I thought about when reading your story is that it turned out that others were grateful that you spoke up. Not offended but grateful. And there were no dire consequences — you are still friends with that man. What a great example.

      Jude

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  2. Hi Jude,
    What a powerful piece of writing. I've never been in your particular situation, or in Fran's, but I think every woman can identify with not speaking up when speaking up was absolutely called for.
    In a weird little moment of synchronicity, just last night I read Brene Brown's latest book, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. It's about being so completely who you are that you're able to both share your most authentic self with the world AND able to stand alone when needed.
    It's the work of a lifetime, Jude. Please don't beat yourself up for not having spoken up. You'll figure out what you want to do about this incident and then next time something happens, and it likely will, you'll be that much better prepared to handle it.

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    1. Hi Karen. Well, once again, we are on the same wavelength. I am in the middle of reading “Braving the Wilderness.” My daughter turned me on to Brene Brown. This is the first of her books that I have read, but I have listened to a couple of her podcasts. Perhaps one reason that I was so annoyed with myself for not saying anything is that the notion of authentic voice and standing alone were fresh in my mind when this incident occurred.

      I have to say, it is quite a long time since I have encountered such blatant sexism in a public situation, and perhaps that is why it surprised me so much. The younger me would have responded instantly in a not very pleasant way. But as I have become older, I think twice about how I respond, and am more likely to give people the benefit of the doubt. For example, I thought about the possibility that Frank might have a mild cognitive impairment — he is very elderly, and much of what he says seems to be off topic or off the mark in some way.

      On the other hand, my emotional response—anger— tells me that this is something that I need to address. I am thinking that the next time I see him, I will take him aside and tell him in a gentle way that those kinds of jokes make me uncomfortable. In that way, I can get the message across without making him lose face in front of the others.

      Jude

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  3. Wow, Jude, I'm floored to read about what Frank did. Sometimes when I experience something shocking, it takes time for me to decide what to do first. I'd direct the energy from anger toward something positive or constructive. You'll figure out what to do about this incident.

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    1. Hi Natalie. Yes, the situation completely caught me off guard. Sometimes I do not think of a response quickly in a social situation, especially if it is an unfamiliar context with people that I do not know very well. I used to have a job in which I supervised a lot of staff. When I first started there, I found it very hard to come up with quick responses or decisions. But once I had been there for awhile and knew everyone, it was much easier to respond quickly and appropriately. You’re right about sometimes taking the time to mull things over.

      Jude

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  4. I think most people reading this will have been nodding along because they recognised the situation. I can think of times when i’ve spoken out and times when I haven’t. Sometimes it depends how you feel on the day - whether you are emotionally equipped to handle the potential fall-out or not. Just the other day I read an article about a woman who sat her daughters down when they got to about 10 and taught them a few stock phrases, such as “When you do / say that, it makes me uncomfortable. Please don’t.” Maybe we all need to practice a few phrases so that they come out without too much thinking. I mean, no reasonable person should want to keep doing things that make someone uncomfortable so it’s not much to ask. The unreasonable ones - well they’re a bigger problem.

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    1. Anabel, that is a great idea to develop a set of stock phrases to use when encountering a sexist behaviour. That way, one has a ready response without having to overthink the situation. I certainly have done that in areas, such as in my former work life. The strategy can be especially helpful in sensitive or emotional situations as a way to buy time or gather more information while figuring out where the other person is coming from.

      As an introverted person, I sometimes am slow to speak as I try to get the phrasing just right. Then the conversation moves on and I miss the moment.

      Jude

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  5. Love this post! thanks for writing such a timely and poignant post Jude. I also grew up in the 60's and 70's and identified myself as a feminist. But sadly as time passed, I realized that many younger women coming behind us, did not fully appreciate all the gains that had been made by the strong, powerful women in the past. Taking for granted all that we accomplished means that it was easy to sit back and not be fully aware of the issues.

    Fast forward to today. As these shocking revelations are being brought to national attention, women are finding their voice again. But as you say, some situations are still so difficult. I totally get how it must felt to have been in your recent situation. The other thing that occurred to me is that perhaps this man had some cognitive/judgement issues related to an aging brain. That makes it even more complicated!

    I don't know what I would have done in your situation. In the moment, it seems natural to not make a scene, especially given the circumstances of it being a new group etc.

    But, here we are, having an important conversation about it. Empowerment. I like that word. As women, we need to remember that our rights and respect do not come easily; we need to be on guard and protect them, for ourselves and for all the future young women behind us.

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    1. Thanks Carole! I do think we have come a long way. In professional workplaces like the ones that I have been in over the last few decades, overt sexual harassment has been virtually erased. No one in those settings can claim to not realize that it is unacceptable, and we had human resource policies that everyone was expected to comply with.

      But sexism hasn’t disappeared. In many cases it has just gone underground and become more subtle. And as we hear in the news, sometimes it only seems invisible because those being harassed haven’t dared to speak out, and people witnessing it have just looked the other way.

      I like your point about young women not realizing how much has been achieved. I think that is why I was so taken aback by the Frank incident. It was like going back in time, and I had the despairing feeling that nothing had changed at all.

      But when I talk with young men today, like my son and my son-in-law, I am very hopeful. I see that they have grown up with feminist beliefs and truly believe in gender equity. This is different than most men of my generation, who were socialized to believe in different roles for men and women and had to learn to change their views over time (and some never did).

      Jude

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  6. Hi, Jude - I agree with the other commenters -- this is a very powerful piece of writing. I also agree with Anabel that even when we want to speak out, we sometimes don't based on the situation or the space that we are in that day. Being new to an area, new to a meeting, and the only woman in the room I doubt that I would not have spoken out either. I like how your friend taught her children stock phrases for these types of situations. Along with teaching our daughters,we
    also need to teach our sons (and grandsons) to stand up and say 'That is NOT okay'.

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    1. Thanks Donna. That is a very important point about teaching our sons and grandsons, as well as our daughters and granddaughters. I love the idea of men as allies (and maybe that is why I felt so disappointed in the men at the meeting for not speaking up either). However, I can control my own words and behaviours, not the behaviours of others.

      Jude

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  7. Hi Jude! I just realized that your posts are going into my gmail "promotions" tab rather than my regular email. I need to check that more frequently! As others have commented, this is very powerful. And I have been in the exact same position - and even told that I don't have a sense of humor. I used to see situations like this more when I first started teaching in the 80's but honestly, I think it may have just changed form now (electronic vs. on paper) - if that makes sense. And as much as we try to teach children and teens about what is appropriate and what isn't, adults undo that so fast with their actions. I used to "go with the flow" and sit back, but not any more. Thanks for sharing this.

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    1. Hmm, that is strange that my posts are going into Promotions. I hope it is not a problem on my end, because I have no idea how to fix it! As a longtime Outlooks user, I find GMail rather inscrutable.

      Yes, this form of the problem really was more typical in the 70’s and 80’s. You make such a great point that as adults, we are models for younger people. If we want to see change, starting with one’s own behaviour is a great place to start.

      Jude

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  8. Thank you, Jude, for sharing this important post and the conversation it has generated. I can certainly understand why you didn't speak out under those circumstances--and why you wish you had. No experience is wasted if we learn from it, and I see from your responses to the comments that you will definitely be more prepared next time you run into a similar situation (and sadly, I'm sure you will). I am encouraged about the future, though, by this discussion of teaching our children and empowering ourselves. Thank you Jude and everyone else for your insightful comments.

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    1. “No experience is wasted if we learn from it.” What great words of wisdom, Christie! That is a lesson that I keep having to learn over and over. I think that now I am ready to put this incident behind me and move forward with a little more confidence about speaking out when called for.

      Just as an update, I have spoken with the man who was chairing the meeting and expressed my discomfort with passing around those types of “jokes.” He said that it was the first time that it had ever happened, as far as he could remember. But I am not sure that I trust his memory, as he could not remember which joke I was talking about until I prompted him. It really reminds me that sometimes people aren’t sensitized to such things unless it has had a negative impact on them, personally, or a feminist in their life has raised their consciousness!

      Jude

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