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| Cracks Appearing* |
Other than that we haven't left home and our immediate neighbourhood. We haven't seen friends or family members.
We are very fortunate in that we are both retired, and therefore not worried about having to work or about loss of pay. We have a roomy home and yard, and because we live in a semi-rural area, we can walk on the streets and trails nearby, seldom encountering anyone.
Also, we are both people with many solitary interests. During normal times, neither of us has any difficulty entertaining ourselves for hours and days at a time, for example, me with writing, reading, gardening, and academic work, and Rob with woodworking, reading, outdoor projects, and watching movies.
And yet.
These are not normal times. We are living through a cataclysmic event affecting the whole world -- a pandemic. There is an ongoing media barrage showing us the mounting number of cases and deaths around the world. It is frightening as we contemplate the extent of human suffering; worry about health care workers, family, and vulnerable friends; and wonder whether our own lives are at risk.
I have found it hard to pull myself away from reading and watching coronavirus news stories. I have an irrational feeling that if I'm not tracking the news constantly, it will get worse the minute I look away.
Witnessing the progress of the pandemic, while also being sequestered at home and having all of our usual activities come to a halt, is stressful. It's also hard on relationships, and on individual mental well-being.
J.P. Sears recently posted a funny video called How to Destroy Your Relationship During the Quarantine, which you can watch by clicking here.
The video is funny, but the stresses on relationships are real.
Parents staying at home with children who are not in school or daycare may be trying to work from home while also finding ways to keep the kids who have been cut off from their friends and usual activities engaged, or at least not fighting with each other. Grandparents who otherwise could provide respite are in the demographic most at risk from the virus.
Children absorbing bits of the news may be anxious and fearful, and express their feelings by acting out.
Young people who are dating but not living in the same household may be struggling to hold their relationship together or tempted to ignore physical distancing.
The sandwich generation may be worried sick about their elderly parents on the one hand and their kids and jobs on the other.
Couples may find that the texture of their relationship has changed. Many of the activities and routines they enjoyed together are no longer available. Each may be responding to the crisis in a different way, or be in a different stage of coping. For example, one may be in avoidance mode while the other is seeking extra closeness and reassurance. Or one may be full of plans for new activities while the other can't drag him/herself off the couch.
The stresses can be extreme when struggling to work from home, or if a loved one is ill, or if the financial consequences for the family are dire, or if one or both are health care workers or in another essential service that puts them at greater risk.
People who already live alone may find self isolating especially hard, as their usual social resources are no longer available.
The little voice in the head might start saying things like:
I've discovered I actually don't like my family at all.
Why can't these little fiends give me even one single minute of peace and quiet?
He/she spends every single minute staring at their computer and doesn't even talk to me.
We have nothing in common.
He/she turns everything into a big emotional drama that is all about him/herself.
What's wrong with me -- I can't concentrate on anything!
It's normal to feel strong emotions during a crisis situation like this. And, as strange as it may seem, the challenges we are all facing present an opportunity.
We have the opportunity to be kind to ourselves and to be kind to each other. We have the opportunity to open up to each other and deepen the relationship with our partner in ways we may not take the time for during our regular schedule. We have the opportunity to really enjoy being with our family members rather than passing like ships in the night as each one races off to work, school, or other activities. Children have an opportunity to learn to be more considerate of their parents and to develop a more caring relationship with their siblings. We all have an opportunity to reach out to people we know, and especially to people who may be lonely or in need of extra support.
With a heightened sense of the value of life we have now that our mortality is staring us in the face, each one of us can pause and take a long look at this beautiful planet we inhabit and be grateful for the life all around us right now.
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| Life and Creativity Thrive in Cracks* |
Uncertainty fuels the fear that makes us anxious and overwhelmed. I’m afraid it will be a long time before that uncertainty starts to subside.
ReplyDeleteI too consider myself lucky. I’m in a safe, comfortable place and all my loved ones are well and not starting to crack yet.
There are so many who aren’t so lucky.
Joanne, I have read that counsellors are gearing up for an onslaught of new cases, and some people are predicting a spike in divorces — either that or a mini baby boom! I’m glad to hear that you and your loved ones are holding up well under the stress.
DeleteJude
If there is a baby boom following this pandemic, it will almost certainly be made up of solely first born children ��
DeleteHaha, love this comment.
DeleteJude
Hi, Jude - There are so many truths in your post. I, too, consider myself to be very fortunate. I wake up counting my blessings. We all cope in various ways. My way, is to stay informed on the basics but avoid the news and media on this topic as much as possible. I do live with a news/media junkie, whose way of coping is to watch it all. To meet both of our needs, Richard now watches the news upstairs in his office on the small tv or his ipad. He also somewhat tries not to share with me all that he has taken in. We are still working on that last bit, but I greatly appreciate the compromise. Stay safe!
ReplyDeleteDonna, normally Rob is the news junkie while I go blithely about my life ignorant of most world events (I figure that Rob will inform me of anything that I REALLY need to know). However, in this situation, we are both glued to our (separate) screens for more hours every day than I would have believed possible. I know that limiting the time I spend following the pandemic news would probably reduce my anxiety level, but I somehow feel compelled to watch. The good news (having watched Dr Bonnie Henry’s and Minister Adrian Dix’s daily updates every day) is that recent graphs show that we are starting to bend the curve here in BC the last few days; it looks like the positive benefits of self isolation are starting to have an effect. Take care!
DeleteJude
Excellent read, Judith you have your finger on the pulse of whats happening during this time. We are "living in interesting times" I am looking forward to see how we come out of this new way of being. Hopefully it doesn't become an Orwellian type situation, or new world order.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment. Yes, that is a concern. This experience might shift people’s tolerance toward supporting more authoritarian governmental policies, or greater isolationism. But it could have an opposite effect — greater awareness that we need to work together globally to prepare for pandemics; or recognition that we can all focus on addressing climate change as a global priority; or recognition that our commitment to a flawed approach to capitalism that creates huge social inequities across classes, regions and countries ultimately puts everyone at risk. I am hoping that some good will come out of this shared experience.
DeleteJude
I agree with your comment above about inequalities being shown up by this pandemic. Neoliberalism has left many people in such a precarious position that even missing one pay is catastrophic. I share your optimism that we could come out of this with something different. We have to!
ReplyDeleteAnabel, I share your concern about the financial inequities that our greed-fuelled economic system has engendered. And with respect to transmission of the virus in the pandemic, failing to care for the most vulnerable in our countries and in the wider world endangers everyone’s lives indiscriminate of wealth. We have created a world where a huge portion of the world’s population live in crowded tenements, shanty towns, townships, refugee camps, or are homeless on the streets, and where physical distancing is not possible. It cannot help but give the virus free reign to transmit, killing the poor and spreading to everyone else as well. Will we learn from this to put people, animals, and the earth first over money, oil, and power for the billionaires? I hope so.
DeleteJude
I count myself very lucky also. Our local facebook-type site is full of people stressing about paying rent and getting enough food to feed their families while being suddenly unemployed. If we only have to worry about getting on each other's nerves now and then, life is pretty good. I do hope these obvious societal and financial inequities can be addressed when we come out the other side.
ReplyDeleteJanis, I agree. I feel so grateful that Rob and I are in our current circumstance of relative safety and comfort. But I can’t stop worrying about our friends, neighbours, family, and community members, and what they are going through as the death toll mounts (though fortunately quite low in BC thus far). I also think this time of enforced self isolation provides an opportunity to do some soul searching about our values, and to grow as people, and in our relationships.
DeleteJude
Hi Jude, I consider myself fortunate before the pandemic and more so now. I stay informed regarding public health officials' advice and government directives but don't get fixated on the news. I keep my daily routine and make adjustments as needed (e.g. workouts at home instead of the gym). I share your optimism for more kindness, compassion, and appreciation for our planet post-pandemic.
ReplyDeleteNatalie, that sounds like a very sensible approach. Normally I don’t dwell on bad news, especially when it seems as if there is little I can actually do about it, and I understand that at any given time there is terrible news somewhere in the world. However, this pandemic has really shaken me up, and made me look a life a little differently. I think it is a foretaste of the kinds of global crises we will face regularly in a couple of decades if we don’t take decisive action now on climate change.
DeleteJude
We are Day 18 totally self isolating. Also, no friends or family except via online. Only going out for daily walks. We are pretty stocked with food except our fresh supplies are diminishing quickly. I am somewhat anxious about any grocery shopping since I have read many detailed recommendations on how to disinfect the food.
ReplyDeleteWe are similar to you and Rob with many interests and can easily putter around here.
There is also a “yet.” We do have our blue periods. Yesterday, I spent many, many hours getting pulled into the news sites throughout the day and through the entire night. I find this is not mentally healthy for me or anyone.
You have summarized many of my concerns really well, Jude. These are very serious issues and many repercussions for the future.
As some of the comments say, we all have different coping skills and these can vary throughout the day and change from day to day. I am grateful for my present life and the people close to me are still healthy. Every day is very precious for each one of us.xx
Erica, it’s Day 17 for us. I’m trying to shop infrequently because the less mingling the better (even though the grocery store I went to and the customers there seemed to be quite careful about physical distancing, disinfecting the cart handles, etc.). I’m being cautious about putting away and preparing food, and washing my hands lots especially after touching the packaging, but I’m not overly panicked about it.
DeleteI do think paying attention to our own and our loved ones’ mental health during this stressful time is important. People handle things in different ways, and we can support each other by recognizing that and being understanding and empathetic. We can also cut ourselves some slack, for example, not beating ourselves up for not being as productive as we normally would be. I find that things like meditation, house cleaning, gardening, walking, and yoga settle the mind. Take care!
Jude
Jude, Thank you for recommending Tara Brach. I really liked her soothing voice. Yes, our own and our loved ones' mental health. A recent mantra I have in front of me 'Don't put life on hold. We could be at this for a long time.' Plus all of my other self talk. Looking forward to staying connected.xx
DeleteErica, as we started into this period of self isolation, I thought “two weeks — I can do this. I have time to get back to my writing and painting now.” But realizing it would be more than two week was a shocker, and I haven’t painted and have scarcely looked at my writing. Yes, I really like Tara Brach’s online meditation sessions.
DeleteJude
Jude, I am trying to view this as an "opportunity", as you say. There are many lessons to be learned from this experience for those who are willing to listen and apply the truths found within. Maybe it is the much needed wake-up call we need to finally get on the same page. We live in a world where money creates political forces and lemmings follow - on both sides. Decisions from our leaders are made based on making a candidate look bad/good, to appease a base of voters, or to down right line their own pockets. Until that changes, we cannot move forward. My worst fear is that when this is done, nothing will change.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne. Yes, I share your fear that we won’t learn from this experience. Or that the one percent that controls inordinate amounts of money and power will use the fear and economic fallout to find new ways to exploit the majority. But, on the whole, I am optimistic that positive learning and a greater desire to work together will come from this.
DeleteJude
Well said, Jude. I think you captured what most if not all of us have been experiencing or thinking. I'm counting my blessings even more so than usual these days (including being newly retired) and obsessing over the news (THAT I need to tone down). After a couple of weeks of being transfixed and stalled by the state of this new world, it's time to get back into a (new) routine .
ReplyDeleteDeb
Deb, I managed to pare my news reading and watching down to only one hour a couple of days ago, and felt better for it. But then the next day I dived right back in, catching up on all the news stories I’d missed the day before. Where has my will power gone? Stalled is a good word for it.
DeleteJude
Jude this is such a well articulate piece on Corona and the impact on all of us and our relationships. So well written. On my side, I prefer not to watch too much of the news because I know it will get way worse before it gets better and some of it is just too hard to watch. Heartbreaking what is going on in New York and countries such as India where social distancing is a luxury they do not have and running water not common place, and as well things are very rough in Ecuador.
ReplyDeleteThe silver lining to corona is perhaps felt by the environment and the wildlife. Without all the travel and people constantly polluting, the planet is experiencing a momentary healing and time to breathe and recover. Climate change is finally being addressed.
You bring up many important points and concerns and I agree with you that this can be a time for opportunity for kindness and so much more.
Peta
Peta, thanks so much for your kind remarks. I have been thinking about you and Ben, hoping you are doing well. Our prime minister has been urging Canadians overseas to come home, and our department of foreign affairs has put in countless hours negotiating with governments around the world who have closed their airspaces and airports to let Canadian jets land to pick up Canadians and permanent residents who are trying to get home. Last week alone, a million Canadians returned home, and all of them are legally required to go into quarantine for 14 days upon arriving back in Canada.
DeleteThe signs of the earth rapidly beginning to heal during this period of economic shutdown is indeed very heartening. It shows that many of our planet’s environmental systems will bounce back, if we give them half a chance. The round-the-world action to contain and mitigate the virus also shows that humans can act decisively in a coordinated way to a perceived global threat. My hope is that we take what we have learned about global action from our response to novel coronavirus and apply it to global warming/climate change. On the other hand, if we don’t begin to act substantively and proactively on climate change, I fear that the coming years will see many more extreme events like pandemics that we will be reacting to one after another.
Jude
You describe here what a lot of people think and go through. Jude; a well thought about blog post. Everyone is going through this in a certain way, probably a bit different than the next person.
ReplyDeleteI feel that Mark and I have it easy (apart from logistical issues), as not that much has changed for us - we live together 24/7 regardless and rarely see friends and family and we never attend social gatherings or activities. Plus, we work from home.
We call our families more and he reads up (and watches) the news more as well, sharing the important bits with me. I check the statistics every other day or so. I think the biggest issue people have right now is that their routines have changed. And, the social impact.
Of course, people who lost their jobs or are under financial strain or healthcare workers and people on the front line are much worse off than the majority of us.
Hi Liesbet. Yes, you and Mark have an advantage in that you are used to sharing a small living space with each other 24/7. So in that sense it is not a big relationship or social adjustment. On the other hand, it is tough for you with campsites and facilities being closed. With a small van you can’t stock up as much as people with larger homes, and therefore have to go into communities to get supplies more frequently.
DeleteNo doubt, you have had to put your sightseeing plans on hold, and work opportunities may be less frequent. Also, as you change locations, you have to be extra careful that you don’t unwittingly carry the virus from one location to another. It was really great to talk with you recently! I am sending good wishes to you, Mark, and Maya.
Jude
Thanks, Jude. It was so nice to see you and hear your news as well, last week. I hope you and Rob remain healthy and sane. Our goal is to stay put for two weeks without any interactions and then be extra vigilant once we hit the road - only stopping at fuel stations, wearing gloves when fueling up (we always use our credit card and no code is needed, so nothing is touched) and probably do one shopping spree before hitting the hot beds of New Jersey and New York...
DeleteLiesbet, I’m glad that you have thought through ways to minimize your risk while doing what you need to do. Still, it’s scary to think of travelling into New York State while the virus is raging through there. Be safe!
DeleteJude